Newly Engaged
So one (or both) of you has a ring on and there’s much rejoicing. Congratulations! (You’re going to find a lot of complete strangers who are happy for you.) But before you get all crazy into the planning, here are a few things you might want to check out first. After visiting a lot of wedding sites, I noticed something that comes up now and again are sticky situations that come from early planning choices.
So, in honor of (hopefully) preventing headaches, I gathered a few things that just might help. Good luck!
Getting Started
The Knot’s Engagement To-Dos
Okay, they’ve revised this one, so what’s here is a blend of the old, the new, and some of my own advice.
- Linger of Cloud Nine :: So if you’re reading this, chances are you’ve already lingered, but it’s such a wonderful way to start the planning process. Simply remembering why you’re getting married in the first place can ease a lot of stress. Enjoy that feeling and come back to it often.
- Tell Your Parents :: There are some etiquette guidelines that require research and then there are some that are well known even amongst the folks who don’t read up on them. This is the one of the latter. What the Knot has to say: “Share the news with your immediate families first. Unless your folks are already great friends, your best bet is to tell each set of parents separately so that they 1) will be able to express their emotions freely, and 2) won’t have to deal with the surprise of the engagement and the possible discomfort of having to hug all their future in-laws simultaneously. Traditionally, the bride’s family gets first dibs on the news. (If your fiancé’s a traditional lad, they may already know!) The best way to let Mom and Dad in on your big secret is for the two of you to tell them together, especially if they know and like your sweetie. Just invite them over for dinner and blurt it out. In your perfect universe, they’ll leap from their chairs to hug you both while crying tears of joy. Of course, if you live too far from your loved ones, a phone call will do just fine.”
- Timeline :: “The first thing to consider is how long your engagement will be. This will depend on a couple of factors, such as your ideal wedding date and how much time you’ll need to prepare. A typical engagement lasts anywhere from six months to a year and a half or more. If you got engaged during the holidays but always wanted a summer wedding, make sure you’ve got enough time to plan without making yourselves wedding-crazy, and keep in mind that many of the best vendors and reception sites book a year or more in advance.” Angel’s note: Some other factors to consider is family health, schooling, pregnancy, and military. Also, I wouldn’t say the “best” vendors, but more like the most popular.
- Envision the Style :: “Your wedding style will be reflected first and foremost in the location, whether it’s a luxe ballroom or an intimate backyard reception. Discuss with your fiance where your wedding will take place (in one of your hometowns or in the city where you currently live, for example), and then start scouting sites that can accommodate your wedding style.” Angel’s Note: As a couple, you’ll have a fair idea of what you like and don’t like, so while it doesn’t have to be concrete, it’s a good idea to start with a basic concept. To get going, try having each of you describe what you’d like your day to be like in three words.
- Set Your Budget :: “In the end, dollars, not dreams, are a main determining factor for the size and style of your wedding. So, what affects the price tag? Formality: In general, the more formal the reception, the more expensive, considering you’ll have to match the site, food, and decor to the overall upscale tone. Date and time: Saturdays, summer months, and evenings tend to be the most costly times to have a reception. Location: In many cases, a wedding in a major metropolitan area is simply more expensive than in a smaller town.”
- Announce Your Engagement :: “Call your local newspaper, your alumni magazine, and anywhere else you want your engagement announcement to appear. Find out the name of the appropriate editor or department and ask for the writer’s guidelines or a standardized form, if available. Also, ask if there’s a fee for publication. Here’s what you need to know if you want to have an engagement photo session, plus a list of contacts for major newspapers.” Angel’s Note: It doesn’t have to be a formal engagement session photo. A favorite picture of the two of you will work, or stuff the both of you into a photo booth for some fun.
- Make a Guest List :: “As you begin to build your guest list, you’ll need to consider a number of factors. If you have a particular ceremony or reception site in mind, for instance, you’re going to be limited by how many people it can accommodate (you can’t squeeze 300 people into a lighthouse). Would you rather have one-on-one time with each guest or to throw a once-in-a-lifetime party for all your friends and family? If Mom and Dad are adamant about inviting throngs of friends and family, you’ll have to hear them out — especially if they’re footing a major part of the bill. Obviously, the more relatives you must invite, the larger your list will be. And more guests means a bigger bill, as catering costs are generally calculated on a per-head basis. So, in addition to location, your budget will have a big influence on the size of your guest list.” Angel’s Note: It’s a good idea to know how many people you want there. It’s something that affects your choice in location, so even if the two of you just sketch out a list from your respective cell phones, rolodexes, or email addresses, go for it.
- Choose Your Attendants :: “It’s time to honor your closest friends and family members by picking your wedding parties. Remember, the earlier you ask, the sooner you can enlist their help. (Here’s help if you’re not sure who to choose.) Keep in mind that your wedding party is agreeing to spend their hard-earned money and donate their precious time — be considerate and kind by informing everyone about all your plans, showing them a good time, and making sure they know how much you appreciate them.” Angel’s Note: The Knot has this a little higher up, but I moved it down because of how many headaches this has caused. When you’re first engaged, you might be tempted to ask every female friend or relative you know. And no matter how many times it comes up, there’s just no simple way to unask a bridesmaid.* So make your choices carefully.
- Determine a Date :: “Choosing a wedding date can be tougher than you’d think. There are a few things to consider: How much time will you need to prepare for your wedding? Do any loved ones having a conflicting graduation, vacation, or pregnancy due date? If you have your heart set on a particular place, caterer, band, or photographer, the availability of these crucial vendors may also play a large part in your decision. Try to avoid dates of big conventions or other events that draw large crowds, since that might make it harder for out-of-town guests to get hotel rooms.”
- Consider a Consultant :: “If you’re a super-busy couple, hire a full-time wedding consultant to help you prepare your entire event, from the announcement to the honeymoon. You can also hire a part-time consultant to devise a wedding blueprint — including budget, schedule, and lists of good vendor and site choices — before you launch solo into the preparations. Another option is a day-of coordinator (which we definitely recommend), who will make sure everything goes as planned on your wedding day.” Angel’s Note: Okay, I might be a little biased, but keeping a phone number in your back pocket of a good consultant in your area is a solid back-up plan. I think a lot of planning and design issues can be solved with good research and experience, but know who you’re going to hand off your details to when it comes to your wedding day. Okay, I’m done preaching.
- Start Gown Shopping :: “It’s never too early to begin thinking about your wedding dress. Start by figuring out which style will look best on you. How? Learn the lingo before stepping foot in a dress salon. Read up on silhouettes, necklines, trains, and hues that might flatter you. Season will also affect your choice. Getting married in the sweltering summer? Go with lightweight fabrics such as chiffon, linen, or organza. Having a winter wedding? Brocade, faux fur, and velvet fabrics will keep you warm. Satin, shantung, silk, and tulle are perfect year-round. “ Angel’s Note: It might sound daunting for the newbie, but you can easily start by perusing a few websites or clipping out a few dresses from magazines. And if you want to visit a salon, make sure to call for an appointment first. You’ll give them a chance to give you better service. Also, ask if you need to bring anything with you.
Warning: Wedding dress sizes are different than street sizes. If you’re an 8 in street clothes, your wedding dress size might run 10 or 12.
*Update: but it can be done. Check out what one Weddingbee couple did to fire their entire wedding party.
Money Matters
Here’s some great advice from Offbeat Bride’s Ariel Meadow Stallings. Consider this before you accept ANY money for your wedding.
And the reason many people accept money for their wedding is because of the expense. Everything from the dress to the food…it costs to put on a party like this.
Scope of the Project
Okay, probably not the title you’d expect for a wedding website, but a good way to start your planning is to get a scope of the event or project before you begin. No one wants to be two weeks out from their wedding and realize they forgot something important (but remember it’s only as important as you decide it is!). There are two great resources that come to mind when looking at the entire planning process.
One is a wedding planning timeline/checklist/countdown that details what you should be doing every month leading up to your wedding date. You can often find these in the back of wedding magazines or in wedding planners (those wedding books that help you plan your day…also referred to as organizers) at your local bookstore. Many are similar and some are more detailed than others, so find one that best reflects you. Find a few examples here, here, here and here.
If those aren’t doing it for you, then you can create you own. Some websites offer a customizable timeline/checklist/countdown.
Note: These are intended to be helpful and spread all the of the tasks along a specific period of time. But falling behind (aka wedding burnout) can stress you out and may cause you to abandon your checklist. Refocus and let yourself get everything done before your wedding day even if it doesn’t follow someone else’s timeline.
And the other is a crash course in weddings. Here’s my absolute favorite: 30 days to plan a wedding by Liene over at Blue Orchid Designs.
Marriage Licenses
You may not need one for a while, but you should know what’s required and how much it will cost. Check out the different counties here. (Snohomish County can be found here.)
Registering
Registering first came about in department stores. In 1924, Marshall Field’s (now Macy’s). It was a brilliant marketing move since A) the couples could only register for the what the store offered and B) the couples were able to avoid receiving three of the same gift and C) it brought the guests in as consumers. In 1993, Target introduced the first electronic registry, and now many stores (and some non-stores) offer it for today’s bride and groom. Before you dive head first into checklists and scanners, here are a few tips from other folks who have been there.
Registry tips from Weddingbee couples.
Registry tips from Handcrafted Weddings.
DIY
DIY or Do-It-Yourself is a term many people use for something that’s handcrafted and customized for the wedding. Most often this means by the bride. But DIY doesn’t have to be by “yourself”. Family members, friends and the wedding party can all help if this is the route you choose to go.
Here’s a great article on Offbeat Bride about DIY weddings. There’s also a project assessment to see if a DIY project is for you.
Advice (solicited or otherwise)
It seems like when you get engaged, the advice comes out of the wood work whether you want it or not. Everyone has an opinion on your wedding and are more than happy to share…even when it’s not helpful. So where do you turn to for actual, helpful advice? Here are a few of my favorite places for couples to get some pointers.
Weddingbee’s Words of Wisdom :: A series of wedding-related questions that readers and bloggers can weigh in on, giving advice and offering insight to help other brides out. (The very first entry is about newly engaged couples!)
Sulla Tips :: Straightforward Rules for Keeping Wedding Planning From Sapping Your Common Sense, Squashing Your Sense of Humor, and Sucking the Joy Out of One of Life’s Most Joyous Occasions By Jennifer Mendelsohn
The Lingo
If you visit wedding websites, you’ll find online wedding jargon. It saves time typing and it’s helpful…if you know it. But before you think the world sounds like that girl on Sleepless in Seattle, here’s a list of the abbreviations.
BC/BCP: Birth Control, Birth Control Pills
BF: Boyfriend or Best Friend
BM: Bridesmaid or Best Man
Bout: Boutonniere
BP: Bridal Party
B-pics: Boudior Pictures
BTW: By The Way
C&P: Copy and Paste
DD: Dirty Delete
DF: Dear Fiance
DF: Dear Fiance
DH: Darling Husband
DOC: Day of Coordinator
DW: Destination Wedding
E-ring: Engagement Ring
E-party: Engagement Party
E-pics: Engagement Pictures
FG: Flower Girl
FH: Future Husband
FI: Fiance
FIL: Father-In-Law
FILs: Future In-Laws
FBIL: Future Brother-In-Law
FFIL: Future Father-In-Law
FMIL: Future Mother-In-Law
FOB: Father of the Bride
FOG: Father of the Groom
FSIL: Future Sister-In-Law
GF: Girlfriend
GM: Groomsmen
GTG: Get Together
HM: Honeymoon
HTH: Hope This Helps
IHO: In Honor Of
ILS: In-Laws
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO: In My Not So Humble Opinion
JP: Justice of the Peace
JK: Just Kidding
LOL: Laughing Out Loud
LTBM: Living Together Before Marriage
MIL: Mother-In-Law
MOB: Mother of the Bride
MOG: Mother of the Groom
MOH: Maid/Matron of Honor
MUD: Made-Up Drama
NFT: No Further Text
NH: New Husband
NSFW: Not Safe For Work
NWR: Not Wedding Related
OOT: Out of Town
PIB: Pictures In Bio
PSA: Public Service Announcement
RB: Ring Bearer
RD: Rehearsal Dinner
RP: Repost
SAHM: Stay-At-Home Mom
SAHW: Stay-At-Home Wife
SAHD: Stay-At-Home Dad
SFW: Safe For Work
STD: Save-The-Dates
TIA: Thanks In Advance
TMI: Too Much Information
TTD: Trash the Dress
TY: Thank You
WP: Wedding Party